Dear next king,

Well I ain’t broken am just so careful on the inside am fragile
And maybe I want you to melt that ice and have me feel safe and secure around you

I want you to try with me and also teach me how to love you with ease

I want you to be my one last time so I’ll be ready to give you that chance

No I ain’t complicated, I am so easy to understand because I love the simple things. The art in what seems so ordinary like a kiss on the fore head and random I love you’s

I ain’t so demanding either so I won’t be asking for a maserati anytime soon even though i d love one

I am impressed by real effort and lots of honesty. I also love attention and I give lots of it. I maybe a little clingy too

So when I do what you hate then I’d prefer a sit down and a tell all and I promise I’ll change for the better.

Sometimes I just want you to listen to my rants and my not so funny stories

To my pain and my happiness

I want you to laugh with me or maybe just wipe  the tear before it rolls down my face

Other times I just wanna hear you talk

Of anything that makes your day or maybe just make up a story to have me laugh my lungs out

I just want to be happy with you

Go out on dates,watch the stars together get mad at each other and still work it through

I want us to have a bucket list

Not one full of water to pour on each other but rather a list of crazy activities that only me and you can do together

I want us to be our own kind of Hollywood sit back and watch the trailers and drama of our crazy moves

I want me and you to last

And I want you to come sooner

With love.

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Smiling depression


Sometimes you  keep the smile on to conceal the pain underneath.

Sometimes you really wanna pour out your heart to someone and let them know how it really hurts and how you can’t fix it no matter how hard you try.

Other times you just ignore the pain in hope that it will totally fade away but you stay with the freshest bruises that grow deep instead of dry.

You just smile, keep happy, stay positive but deep inside a sledgehammer is vandalising your soul and no you can’t cry out.

All along it felt like you had a ton of friends ready to catch you with the slightest stumble only to turn around and its you yourself and you.

So you smile,not because its all fine but because its the only option life chose to leave you with.

Its a feeling of inadequacy,pain,loneliness and misunderstanding that a few people that could make it go away abandon you when you need them the most.

Does it go you may ask? 

No it never goes away,it may run low on the scorching pain but its always somewhere and the littlest of scenarios will awaken it someday.

So when I smile be kind enough to return the smile because under it is the loneliest of hearts that you may be able to rescue.

#depressedbuthavetosmile

2018…

Date…..20-10-17

Time check …..11:28

I have been thinking of what I could possibly do to increase on my earnings since my job seems to be paying me peanuts in comparison to my necessities.

I have always been about money and business and stock exchange and lots of foreign currency and its main reason why I currently pursue a bachelor’s degree in international business.

I needed a fresh idea and I asked a few friends around. Something that would require less attention.

One of them talked of African print materials (proudly African girl).

He said importing and reselling would really be a good way to make profit. My task would be to locate online market and trace clients from everywhere.(hope its as easy as my imagination)

Currently am choosing to focus on the bright side, business booming getting celebrities and big rich people to buy from me. Generally customer satisfaction with no specificities as along as I earn.

What I have is a big vast picture always been an optimistic person. But can’t help the fact that the capital,supplier,actual market is a huge challenge. I refuse to fear because I know God will give me the best strategies.

Since am 20 and a month old.I have moved into that phase of living the moment enjoying the privilege of being healthy and young. Achieving fantasy dreams.

I  always wanted to do free lance modelling at my pace no pressure so this seems like a huge opportunity. I’ll need  to find a good seamstress though and have them draft up nice attires, I have a galfrend that would do make up for a fairly nice price, have friends that can model one or two pieces then baaaaam am  good to go. Then this can land me on television as I have always wanted to feature on tv shows. That means hitting my goals of before 25.

Well all this is 2018 plan. Want to start the new year stronger by 21 which is approximately 11 months away I should have achieved the modelling goal.
I am praying for capital as its what is most relevant  plus  a good quality supplier,  seamstress and penetration of market quickly. Before long I’ll be showcasing modern African clothes with a touch of me. Am super excited  I could be the next big thing. Fingers crossed.
Regards,

Optimistic baekey.

Makeup ain’t self hate

Am not so much a makeup girl one that will spend 3 hours getting there faces all painted but totally have no problem with it.I will probably use the eyeliner and do my eyebrow(not so perfect yet) and some gloss or lipstick then head out. 

With the current fenty beauty by Rihanna then Kylie products then KKW then Mac then black opal, Huddah cosmetics  the list is endless I love the creativity it gives to ones look.

Some people think makeup is to cover up the ugliness and look all fake. I don’t think it is that anyway. Make up is not self hate, its a way to elevate ones moods and add art to oneself.

I think we appreciate our fleek and all the flaws.We truly believe in ourselves we just use all that make up to switch the bombness to our self looks the way we want it. (Cardi B quote)

Same thing with the filters and snap chat ones are my deal breaker. They give that be it silly,fancy ,crazy,funny look.they are a good boost for a sad day or mood for someone like me.

Still its not that I don’t like the way I look without makeup or filters I just love the tingling sensation it builds every time I add dog ears and flowers and all those adjustments to my cute self
PS.don’t use makeup or filters because you feel your lacking or ugly. Use it because your artistic and alive and happy

You are beautiful and a star and none else could ever much you.

#am open to any additional knowledge

Handling Grief

Nothing hurts as much as watching someone you love so much suffer. You don’t want to feel clingy or like adding to the pain that person feels already but  want them to get over it.

You don’t want them to feel like your trying to replace the person they lost but still u want them to be lively as before. You want to hear the enthusiasm they had in each word,the jokes they cracked and the curves made by their lips as they smiled. Yes you want the normal them back but you just can’t have it,you cannot just force it out.

You want them to heal soonest though it would probably take  forever. You want to be by there side and walk through each step with them. Not as a lover but as a good trusted friend as someone that would lay it all down to have them smile again. you can only let nature take it’s course even though it takes centuries.

I have known him for about 6 years now and his so introvert.His loyal to the core with too much love to give. It takes a lot to get  a conversation out of him.He keeps everything inside.Perfect gentleman and perfect friend.

Now he has lost his girlfriend his loyal trap queen his moon his bestfriend he has lost all hope to love.He promised her he would never forget about her.He swore on her death bed. Their love was bonnie and Clyde 21st century version. They have each moment in a picture framed on engraved on there hearts. She left with hers and he stayed with theirs.

He tries to act strong but each of his posts and texts carry lots of pain.I try to check in once a day but doesn’t feel enough.

Wish I could make it all go away with a magic wand or maybe turn back time and make each moment count more for both of them. Il need a lot of ideas to help .

I know she is with the Lord and prayer will help him move on.

Always in my prayers 

#Bryan

Cancer

Never knew what cancer really meant asides from the TV and magazines and articles.to some extent I thought it was a disease for western people.
Till now I can’t explain  what started as a small pimple on her breast turned out to be the death of a curvaceous beautiful girlfriend to my close friend.Tears just can’t stop rolling down my face.

Never knew death was this painful and sudden.Its so hard to see someone suffer and be in pain especially one you love.I wished her life but the pain was too much.From a tumor in her underarm and wrist and breast.She died at 20 only 20 with the bright future ahead of her.

She left her single mother stranded and in immense sorrow and debt.With grief and pain undescribable The costs were too high and she gave up so soon

Sera should have stayed longer she should have seen more life wonders BUT the odds weren’t in her favor maybe we could have become close. But Life took from my friend his other half his life his best friend. I only wish I could say the right words to comfort him but his pain cuts too deep.

To all that have beat cancer I salute you.

In memory of a friend an icon a girlfriend a sister and all words can’t describe. Greatly missed

Forever grieving an angel

8/09/17

mind reader

love-1307898
My dearest mister,
All my life I have been curious.
Curious to know – will I ever find you?
Dear Lord, will I ever find my treasure?
We are two stars in a universe full of stardust.
You are my better half, the brighter star.
You were the wish, I wished for, to every shooting star.
Though you were the star I admired the most.
My journey ended the moment I lay my restless eyes in your scintillating eyes – full of charm, wonder and liveliness. That was the moment when all my missing pieces – unite.
I have been afraid.
Afraid to express.
But now I have lost fear.
I am wildly happy and blessed.
Filled with raging flame of magic and affection inside me.
I am capable now.
Capable of expressing myself.
I am expressing myself.
My thoughts have freedom.
They are free to go anywhere, but why do they head only in your direction?
Why my lady, why?
My mind is a place – a garden full of complexities.
I rush like a shooting star.
I always have something new to discover, something new to admire and something new to create.
I want you to be a part of this rush, I will hold your hand and take you to a new limitlessness.
Every moment has been a celebration since you came along.
You are a guy of artistic desires, tender-heart, charm, vibrancy, loveliness, enticement, melancholy and liberation of the mind.
I am a woman of surprise, enigma, dignity, responsibility, eccentricities, imagination and courage.
Even between all these intricacies our emotions and passions collide.
We are endless.
All my life I striven for perfection, success and wealth.
Oblivious to the reality that you were my real perfection, my treasure, my everything. My heart stopped.
Your love ravishes me so deep.
It’s an energy I cannot resist.
Now – is the greatest moment.
Here we are tonight, under the shower of velvet stars and moonlight.
Our hands unite.
So are our hearts.
You are holding my universe together.
You are the one I will hold forever.
May we reach to the stars – together.
Love Always,

“Heart out “

love-1307898

Yes am an extrovert.I talk a lot and easily make friends. Sometimes I prefer to hang out alone and get to feel every wind and echo instead of meet with a couple of friends for a chitchat.I know how to start conversation and maintain it too. I always smile because the joy of the Lord is my strength

I have a heart.I love like every other girl  and I know it is God that has been saving me for the best.

I just have a fear for betrayal.That point when you would literally give everything to someone and they let you down.you choose to love them from deep within and would give up all just for there happiness then they leave you stranded with no clear explanations

The only reason why I guard my heart with walls greater than those of China maybe just as strong as those of Jericho.Its because I prefer to keep my sanity.

Yes I get attracted to the best so am very picky.And my pride and ego are also too high.I am turning 20 and I feel like am ready to date I think I can mentally handle.

I want someone that will hold me down and tame my pride.Someone with the same principles as mine and would read my mind miles away.

I want something so pure and real.Someone I will introduce my friends too.we won’t get married eventually or maybe  but will leave print on each other’s heart.

I don’t want easy I want someone I will love n cherish .I want to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays and watch stars and long walks and Netflix and cuddles 

Yes I want it all but I won’t settle for less.I either have the best because am the  best.

So I will be patient and wait for the right boyfriend.God’s timing is always the best.I wont rush it either

#relationship goals #

 

10.09

Well today is approximately 23 days to my 20th birthday .I am too grateful for the opportunity to turn this age healthy and brilliant.it is too much a blessing from my daddy God.

I write out a letter to remind myself of the next phase.

Dear 20 year old me,

The first phase of your life has ended and this is another that will determine so much more about your future. You have to work hardest now  because this is the time when you are strongest and more alert and energetic.There will be trials and tribulations but God has made you more than a conqueror

Don’t loose what is most important, your faith and salvation.Always guard your heart well.

You will have to learn to loosen up and accept love.Yes you set your standards too high and never settle for less which is a plus baby girl.

Always be grateful for each opportunity. Even when something is too small a grateful heart attracts more.

Never give up on your dreams because they seem too big.The God you serve is the maker of the universe  and He has it all planned.

Get rid of lazziness,procrastination and minimising opportunities. Use your time well and always be diligent and excellent.

It is between these next 10 years that you will write history.Money is good so make worthy investments. Be ready to sacrifice and spend on what is more important. Don’t settle to be paid only 365 days a year.Be inventive engage your brains be the change you want to see in the world.park-in-sunlight-2-1371896

Take vacations and risks,laugh hard, love more,be yourself,treat yourself out,dress nice.Be young and youthful,enjoy this time it only lasts but a while.

“Ecclesiastes 11:9”

I love you

To the many more birthdays

From 19 year old u

Kisses.

little truths that can save a life

pilot-clouds-lightning-night-skies-santiago-borja-lopez-14-591954cc6616a__880

Casting all your cares upon him for he careth for you (1 Peter 5:7)

The above verse gives me peace .The Lord himself is inviting us to cast our cares on him.He says “give me all your cares” You don’t have to worry anymore over anything in your life. Roll all your cares over to Him.You and God cant be caring about the same things at the same time.If your going to be fretful and anxious,He cant intervene because your worries will stop His powers from flowing your way.

Refuse to care!Confess the word and say “I refuse to be anxious over anything. However in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving I make my request known unto God, therefore His peace that surpasses all understanding garrisons my heart and mind in Christ Jesus””

Perhaps your a parent your a parent and your child is away somewhere and you think he may be in danger. Instead of crying out in fear ” Oh God i don’t know whats happening …..  Say ,”Father i thank you because i know that you care! You’re in charge, therefore my child is protected

Confess that God cares!Be conscious that He cares.He says “I will not leave you fatherless“(John 14:18) and He sent the Holy Spirit to take care of us ,because He cares. There is someone who cares for you,He is the heavenly Father. He cares about every little detail of your life,He cares about everything that pertains to you. He perfects all that concerns you,you’re important to Him,He knows your name.

No matter the situation,get into your closet,shut the door,shut the pain out,tribulation out and lift your hands and say,”I have a Father,the Almighty,He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords and He cares for me.

Your not alone ,greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.

With this mentality oh boy life is more fun.

 

 

 

 

extract from rhapsody of realities Pastor Chris